Finding Grace During Challenging Times: A Path to Compassion and Self-Kindness

I was sitting at my “desk” (a folding table facing the French doors in our garage room) when the lightning hit. 

I had been contemplating today’s 🌿 Message from Nature and considering some sweet themes like tending your inner garden, starting small, sacred pauses – when the blinding flash came, the boom shook us all, and Benny jumped off the couch. 

That was a close one!! 

And soon after, another one. 

It took me back to a few weeks ago, when an extraordinary lightning storm hit nearby. Storm clouds often get caught on one side of Blue Mountain, behind our house. We can watch them travel along the ridge, knowing the weather there can be completely different than here.

On this particular evening, just after sunset, we looked out and saw the most dazzling light show: Boom! Boom! Boom! Not one, but several at a time, igniting the clouds, over and over - for a very long time.

Later, I learned it was one of the most intense lightning storms in memory: 26,000 strikes in a small area. Houses damaged, people shaken, some reliving old (and new!) trauma.

My heart went out to my friends who were experiencing PTSD symptoms and had to have their homes repaired, but I was only imagining what it might have been like. Until now. 

Just having those two bolts nearby (just two, not 26,000) brought it into much sharper focus. My heart pounded, Benny hid under my seat, and I realized I wasn’t in the safest spot beneath an 80-foot tree. Suddenly, it wasn’t abstract anymore. 

We can care deeply about what others go through. We can have compassion. But there’s always a gap. We each have a unique window on the world that no one else can ever fully know. 

And that’s why grace matters, towards others and toward yourself. 

Times are challenging, and we are all carrying a lot. So, it’s good to be kind and give people some grace, including yourself. 

Every storm ends eventually. And when it does, we will come together, share our stories and welcome new beginnings. 

Here’s a 3-minute, tiny but mighty practice based on the practice of tonglen, an ancient form of relieving suffering for all: 

Step outside or look out a window. Breathe, relax and settle. Let your eyes rest on one thing in nature—a tree branch, a patch of sky, a plant on your porch.

First breath – Inhale slowly, imagining you are breathing in the suffering of someone you care about. Exhale, sending out peace and kindness.

Second breath – Inhale for someone you don’t know well, or perhaps someone you find difficult. Exhale, offering grace to all.

Third breath – Inhale for yourself. Let it be deep. On the exhale, release compassion and peace for all beings.

Thank the element of nature you focused on for holding space for this practice.

The Importance Of Self-Compassion

Grace matters all the time, but during times of turmoil and challenge, grace matters the most. It’s often easier to show grace toward other people because we know that we are supposed to have grace and kindness for them. But sometimes showing grace during challenging times is a little bit harder when it’s directed toward us.

That’s where learning self-compassion becomes increasingly important.

Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with kindness, understanding and acceptance, especially during difficult times. All the understanding, grace, acceptance, and love that you’ve been shining on others gets sent your way. It involves recognizing that everyone makes mistakes, experiences challenges and has flaws, and that it's okay not to be perfect. Including you. 

The words we say to ourselves and our intolerance for our own mistakes, we often wouldn’t dare say to another person. So, why are we okay with saying it to ourselves?

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is more than just a nice thing to give yourself. It has some surprising benefits you may not have thought of. Some benefits of self-compassion include:

1. Reduced stress and anxiety: Practicing self-compassion can help to reduce stress and anxiety by promoting relaxation and calmness. When we put a lot of pressure on ourselves or facilitate an internal environment where mistakes aren’t allowed, that can increase our stress and anxiety. We live in a constant state of worrying about “getting it wrong,” and everything that we do “get wrong” adds to that stress. Practicing self-compassion can take some of that pressure off and allow you to create an internal environment where mistakes are learning opportunities, and you love yourself.

2. Increased self-awareness: Self-compassion can increase self-awareness by helping individuals to recognize and understand their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It creates an internal environment where you can think realistically about your strengths and your true feelings. You can begin to learn more about what you like and don’t like, how you truly feel about given situations, and start building a sense of trust within yourself. It can help you learn to trust yourself to make decisions accordingly.

3. Improved relationships: By practicing self-compassion, in turn, you develop more compassionate and empathetic relationships with others. Once you start truly loving yourself and practice showing grace and empathy to yourself, you start to show up as a happier and more fulfilled person. That energy radiates to those around you. The way you hold yourself and the way you respond to others begin to change. Watch the relationships of the people who are most important to you flourish when your relationship with yourself flourishes.

Practicing Self-Compassion

So, let’s start practicing some self-compassion. You can try:

1. Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help you to stay present and focused, and to approach challenges with kindness and compassion. Try finding some mindfulness prompts (such as the tiny, but mighty practices in these blogs) to help you center yourself and get to a place of inner peace.

2. Self-kindness: Treating yourself with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment or criticism. Literally speaking kind words to yourself. Practice this daily. If you struggle with this, set aside specific times to say nice things to yourself (you can do this in the mirror so you’re speaking right to yourself). Once you get used to doing that, you can start doing it when opportunities arise; when you do something good, and even when you make a mistake.

3. Acceptance: Accepting yourself and your experiences, rather than trying to change or resist them. Create a practice where you accept whatever comes up. If you make a mistake, accept that it happened and that you made it, then move on. Accept that things in your life your cannot change. It can help to write this out in a journal if you enjoy journaling. 

By incorporating self-compassion into daily life, you can develop a more positive and supportive relationship with yourself and improve your overall well-being. Self-compassion is the first step to showing grace to yourself and others during the most challenging times.

Cultivating Grace

Honestly, there is not enough grace in this world. We go through life passing harsh criticism and judgment. Everything is black-and-white thinking, without showing real empathy for people.

We see it all over social media. People make divisive statements, making demands of people, without thinking about all of the exceptions. There are so many people out there who are having a difficult time. We don’t know what others are going through. 

When we are having a tough time, the one thing we want is for someone else to understand and connect with us with empathy, grace, and compassion.

So, how do we cultivate grace? Cultivating grace involves developing a mindset of kindness, compassion, and understanding towards yourself and others (exactly what you just learned in the last section). It's about approaching life's challenges with a sense of calmness, clarity, and wisdom.

Ways to Cultivate Grace

1. Practicing mindfulness: Mindfulness can help you stay present and focused, even in the midst of difficulty. Try these activities to cultivate grace through mindfulness:

   1. Meditation: Set aside time each day to sit quietly, focus on your breath and let go of distractions. Find guided meditations that focus on cultivating grace.

   2. Deep breathing: Take a few deep breaths throughout the day to calm your mind and body. Deep breathing can help bring your nervous system out of a state of fight-or-flight and back into a neutral state.

   3. Body scan: Lie down or sit comfortably, and bring your attention to each part of your body, starting from your toes and moving up to the top of your head. This helps you become intimately aware of any shifts in your body that might be impacting your ability to show up with grace and compassion.

2. Cultivating self-compassion: Treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance can help to cultivate a sense of grace. Try these activities to help practice this: 

   1. Self-kindness affirmations: Write down kind and compassionate statements about yourself, such as "I am enough" or "I am doing my best." This helps you build a practice of having grace for yourself, which easily translates to grace for others.

   2. Journaling: Write about your experiences and emotions, and practice self-compassion by acknowledging your humanity and imperfections. Make this a safe space for reflection and learning from mistakes, but also allowing yourself to feel safe and happy.

   3. Self-care: Engage in activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit, such as taking a relaxing bath or reading a book. Showing up for yourself and taking care of yourself is a signal to your body that you are accepting of yourself and worthy of being cared for.

3. Letting go of judgment: Letting go of judgment and criticism towards yourself and others can help to cultivate your sense of understanding and compassion.

   1. Noticing judgments: Become aware of when you're judging yourself or others, and practice letting go of those judgments. Say the opposite of what you were thinking to counteract the judgmental thought. For instance, if you looked in the mirror and thought you looked “fat,” try saying “today I look happy,” or “I love how this color looks on me.” 

   2. Practicing acceptance: Practice accepting things as they are, rather than trying to change or control them. When you find you’re struggling to accept something, stop what you’re doing and take a breath. Specifically tell yourself, you are accepting the situation and whatever happens was meant to happen.

   3. Empathy practice: Try to see things from another person's perspective, and practice understanding and compassion. When you find yourself in situations where you’re unhappy about something someone else is doing, stop your thought process and instead try to think of all of the reasons that might be impacting someone's behavior. For example, if someone appears to grumpily bump past you in the grocery store without saying they’re sorry, instead of assuming they’re just a jerk, maybe consider that they just got bad news or had a long day at work. Maybe they’re just trying to get what they need as quickly as possible.

4. Embracing imperfection: Embracing imperfection and uncertainty can help individuals to approach life's challenges with a sense of curiosity and openness.

   1. Embracing uncertainty: Practice being comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity, and recognize that it's a natural part of life. Intentionally put yourself in situations where you can practice this skill.

   2. Letting go of perfectionism: Recognize that perfection is unattainable, and practice embracing your imperfections and limitations. This can be a tough one for many people, but when you embrace the imperfection of life, life suddenly gets a whole lot easier.

   3. Creative expression: Engage in creative activities that allow you to express yourself imperfectly, such as painting or writing. Instead of striving for it to be the best, try to make it as messy and imperfect as possible. Remember, abstract art is very popular.

At all times, but especially during times of uncertainty or challenges, having grace for yourself and others can be difficult. We are all going through things, and we only really know what we are going through.

The harder things seem in the world, the more grace is needed. Think about it, if you are having a hard time with something, chances are there are a lot of people walking around also struggling. 

So, before you pass judgment and criticism, ask yourself what you would want if you were having a bad day, a bad month, or even a bad year. If you had just received the worst news, what kind of grace and compassion would you want others to have for you? Always approach life and others with the assumption that they are really struggling.

That way, you will always show grace and empathy for people. And chances are, at least some of those people will actually be struggling, and you might just be the little light that makes all the difference to their day.

Reflection Questions

1. What are some ways in which I can cultivate more kindness and compassion towards myself, especially during challenging times?

2. How can I practice letting go of judgment and embracing imperfection in my daily life?

3. What are some ways in which I can show grace and understanding towards others, and how can this impact my relationships and overall well-being?